What an “Active Shooter” Bulletin Should Look Like On News Outlets, and What It Does Look Like.

Posted on October 10, 2017 by Lumberjack Twain

police tape

I’m gonna make this post real simple.

What an active shooter bulletin should look like on informative news outlets:

A suspect opened fire at (facility, event, etc.) in (town), (state) today at approximately (time). X human beings were struck. Their names and stories will be released following notification of the families. Police response was bold and immediate. EMS response was bold and immediate. As always, acts of courage, resilience, and healing will be our focus in the coming hours and days as facts are gathered and confirmed.

The suspect was apprehended (alive/dead) and is in (custody/the morgue awaiting identification). For purposes of closure and newsworthiness, a motive and the procedures and results of the justice process will be published as the facts of the events are gathered and confirmed. An investigation has been undertaken to determine if the suspect has accomplices, how he garnered his weapons, and as to whether there is any future danger to the public, and what needs to be done to prevent this event from reoccurring in any capacity. We will publish this relevant information as it is confirmed. Continue reading →

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How to Properly survive the raging gust of air fury known as Tornado.

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Lumberjack Twain

 

 

Here we see a classic twister, scientific name: Tornadius Windoppulus. Or as the early Finnish Nigerian Thai British settlers of Kansas called it, "sky terror".

Here we see a classic twister, scientific name: Tornadius Windoppulus. Or as the early Finnish Nigerian Thai British settlers of Kansas called it, “sky terror”.

Obviously how to defend against a tornado depends on what breed of tornado it is. Tornadoes are basically the same as humans in that they come in a few different categories, like a race. The only small difference is tornadoes don’t kill, maim, judge, humiliate, or enslave other tornadoes. These basic principles of tornado survivaldom will protect you from any species of ‘nado, no matter how fierce. Continue reading →

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Met The Girl of My Dreams Annddd Yup, She’s Gone.

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Lumberjack Twain
Me in action attempting to jog on an icy mountain trail, just before i slip and have a makeout session with the ice.

Me in action attempting to jog on an icy mountain trail while simultaneously wooing a nearby unicorn woman, just before i slip and have a makeout session with the ice.

Twas a bitter wintry afternoon, bright and brilliant in its bleakness. Not a breeze stirred in the barren foliage. All the animals of the forest were cuddled deep in their winter hobbit-holes, making little snoring chitter chatters as they spooned for warmth.
Seeing a great opportunity for frostbite and aspirations for a future limb amputation, I decided to go for a run in shorts. Continue reading →

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Blizzard outside? Time To Call Delivery, Offer Them A Bunch Of Money I don’t Have, And See Who Crashes on the Way Here.

Posted on February 13, 2014 by Lumberjack Twain

vertical-car-crash

Oh, there’s a Nor’easter outside? Guess I should probably call every food delivery service in the city, offer them a 300 dollar tip, and see who can get to my house first without crashing. Continue reading →

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Why You Should Share Needles In Public: Five Easy Ways To Never Get Sick. Ever.

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Lumberjack Twain

snotbub2

Be prepared. Carry needles.  

 

Standing on a crowded city street waiting for those walking balls of sickness to infect you with their disgusting people diseases? Look at them, just walking around like they don’t know what they’re doing. Be prepared. Control that crowd.

First step? Carry a vial of flu vaccine with a handful of open needles in your pocket. That way when you’re bumpin’ and grindin’ through a crowd, you can distribute and share your needles with the strangers around you, so you can all vaccinate at once. Feel that coursing through your veins? That’s instant safety right there. You’re one step closer to immunity. Continue reading →

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Ten Easy Ways To Get Broken Up With Immediately.

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Lumberjack Twain
Looking terribly angry and frightened all the time: a key strategy in finally achieving that breakup you've been craving for far too long.

Looking terribly angry and frightened all the time: a key strategy in finally achieving that breakup you’ve been craving for far too long.

  1. Remind them that you are just settling and you could leave them at any time. Tell them about your independence and how good it feels to be a loner, bur you’re just currently carrying some extra “baggage”. Emphasize your statements with intermittent sips of coffee, followed by pretentious staring deeply into the coffee mug. Tell them about the times you used to be able to drink this same coffee alone, completely content and at peace with life. Continue reading →
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How To Properly Let Everyone Know You’re Better Than Them.

Posted on February 6, 2014 by Lumberjack Twain
It's a heavy burden, constantly having to live with the fact that you're the coolest person in the room.

It’s a heavy burden, constantly having to live with the fact that you’re the coolest person in the room.

In a world filled with lesser important problems such as disease and genocide, it’s sometimes hard to get people to yank their heads away from the headlines and notice what’s really important in their life. You.

Here’s a few simple tools to help you fulfill your maximum potential for reminding others that you exist and they barely do. Continue reading →

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How To Pick Up Absolutely Any Girl You Want.

Posted on February 5, 2014 by Lumberjack Twain
Walk through the room with the sheer confidence of a Steven Quincy Urkel in his prime. Just follow the steps.

Walk through the room with the sheer confidence of a Steven Quincy Urkel in his prime. Just follow the steps.

Looks.

Confidence is key. Any real relationship connoisseur knows the longest lasting romances are based entirely on what you look like. Factors such as hair, length of hair, hair thickness, eye symmetry, calf roundness, belly button depth, shoulderblade pointedness, and body hair location. Luscious V of chest follicles, that’s okay. Brilliantly glistening mane of beard symbolizing masculine paternal dominance, better than okay. Odd and creepy patches of hair growing from unexpected regions of the body such as the nipples, forehead, and elbow points, not okay. Continue reading →

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30 Minutes ‘Til The World Ends. 30 Minutes Until…It’s Time For Work.

Posted on December 28, 2013 by Lumberjack Twain

30 minutes ‘til it happens. 30 minutes before my whole world collapses and chaos begins. 30 minutes until work. Continue reading →

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Always Make Sure To Have Your Phone In Public Because How Else Will You Properly Avoid Eye Contact With Strangers?

Posted on October 14, 2013 by Lumberjack Twain
Our culture's lack of willpower to socially interact with anyone we do not work, live, or get drunk around is almost as awkward as the secretly abusive relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit....And everybody knows Miss Piggy does the abusin'.

Our culture’s lack of willpower to socially interact with anyone we do not work, live, or get drunk around is almost as awkward as the secretly abusive relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit….And everybody knows Miss Piggy does the abusin’.

Just a nice, long ride up the elevator to the 110th floor. What a pleasant ride this is, right? Just me, myself and my thoughts. No other humans. This silky smooth jazz in my ears. Ahh, time to get my-OH SHIT, ANOTHER HUMAN. Quick, stare at my phone. Continue reading →

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