I’ll Love You Forever, Rose… Unless I Survive This Death Cruise and Get Stuck With You.

leo dicaprio nervous

Do you know what happens if Jack never slips off that piece of plywood and popsicles into a cold, frozen death? This is what goes down. Marriage.

One Week After Titanic

“We can do whatever you want, Rose. The world is yours. Wherever you go, I go.”

“Oh Jack, I want to see Paris, and swim amongst the dolphins of the Caribbean, and ride the wild horses of the New Mexican Plains bareback and naked.”

“Then feral New Mexican horses we shall ride.”

“I’ll go anywhere with you, Jack.”

“We’ll live the Bohemian life. We’ll travel Paris, and Amsterdam, and then we’ll settle in Germany, because great things are in the future for that country, I can see it.”

“Jack, kiss me, kiss me like you did on the Titanic in the Amish buggy.”

“Come here you wild, socialite devil.”

One Year After Titanic

“Babe, did you pick up the bread? Pick up bread, babe?”

“Jack, you know we can’t afford another loaf. Living in this Staten Island warehouse tenement with the Irish and Italian immigrants while you try to become a street artist is a hard living.”

“I promised you the world, Rose. You’re gonna get the world. I just need to draw a couple hundred more caricatures of one-legged prostitutes at three cents each.”

“Oh Jack, there’s an opening at the slaughterhouse factory. Please take the job. You’ll make an honest living.”

“I’ve been gambling every day, Rose. Soon, losing our life savings in Russian poker games will pay off. We’ll strike big like how I won Titanic tickets. I promise I’ll win your new life.”

“Just promise me love.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Rose. Let’s make seven children to distract us from our broken dreams.”

“Yes, let’s.”

Four Years After Titanic

“Oh my God, what happened to your drawing hand?”

“Cut off in the factory meat grinder, Rose. Cut off in the meat grinder. Your fault. You made me work there.”

“Jack, we have seven children! You needed honest work!”

“Oh, Jack needed honest work, Jack can’t draw for a living, Jack this, Jack that. Screw you, Rose. We’re selling the jewel.”

“No we’re not.”

“Yes we are.”

“Not uh.”

“Yes huh.”

“We need the money, Rose. We’ve got mouths to feed, bread to buy, Polio bills to pay.”

“But I have to throw it into the ocean!”

“Look at my cripple hand, Rose. Look at the milky gangrene. This happened for ten cents an hour. We’re selling the jewel.”

“Well, you can’t anyway. I forgot I gave it to a hunchbacked gypsy woman at the market.”

“You what?”

“I gave it away.”

“Why would you do that, Rose? You impulsive bitch.”

“I am not impulsive. I am a lady.”

“Oh, not impulsive. Is not impulsive being engaged and falling in love with a strange homeless man from Wisconsin in two days? I wasn’t even regular style homeless. I was boat homeless. That’s two, if not three degrees more frightening.”

“I don’t even know you anymore, Jack.”

“God, I wish I just let you jump off the boat. I could be smoking opium with Hemingway in France right now. You’re parents should have named you picker bush instead of Rose, because that’s what you are, a picker bush.”

“Jack, please stop. Write me poetry like you used to.”

“Roses are dumb, violets are blue, and roses are dumb.”

“You’re so mean! I’m going down to the alley to the community splinter bucket to bathe myself in drain water. Then maybe I’ll stand and gaze into the cobblestone for a while until I feel less vacant and empty.”

“No, you should just stay down there. Every time you come home I get nauseous. I’ve just connected the dots. It’s because of you.”

“God, I hate you.”

“Whatever. I’m going down to the bar to become an alcoholic.”

And THAT’S what happens.

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7 Responses to I’ll Love You Forever, Rose… Unless I Survive This Death Cruise and Get Stuck With You.

  1. Pingback: The Only Way To Stop A Paparazzi Infestation? Take Their cameras and Put Them On Hamster Wheels. | Lumberjack Twain

  2. Squirrelly, yeah, it’s a shame the fiance couldn’t just climb on the plank with the both of them and they could just live out their lives in some kind of twisted threesome love triangle commune. And Rebecca, thanks, glad you guys enjoy this one

  3. Bwahahaha. Well done. This is why fairy tales are not real life.
    I’ve probably never had such mixed emotions for a movie as I do for Titanic. I love it as a historical piece and the grandeur of it a la Gone With the Wind. But the love story gets more insipid every time. Plus, there was enough room on that plank for two.

    • I know! They just made boat love in a storage hold on a cruise ship, it’s not like it’s entirely too awkward for them to at the very least lay on top of each other on the plank.

      • Ah yes. Also, we are manipulated into endorsing quasi-adultery because the fiancee is a completely one-dimensional character– just like a real person, right? He was a douche, but he would have given her financial security and probably bought whatever she wanted, and in time they could each wink and nod at their respective torrid affairs.

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