How To Pick Up Absolutely Any Girl You Want.

Walk through the room with the sheer confidence of a Steven Quincy Urkel in his prime. Just follow the steps.

Walk through the room with the sheer confidence of a Steven Quincy Urkel in his prime. Just follow the steps.


Confidence is key. Any real relationship connoisseur knows the longest lasting romances are based entirely on what you look like. Factors such as hair, length of hair, hair thickness, eye symmetry, calf roundness, belly button depth, shoulderblade pointedness, and body hair location. Luscious V of chest follicles, that’s okay. Brilliantly glistening mane of beard symbolizing masculine paternal dominance, better than okay. Odd and creepy patches of hair growing from unexpected regions of the body such as the nipples, forehead, and elbow points, not okay.


Before approaching future wife #1, move onto your scents. To know the appropriate musk to douse upon your skin, put yourself inside the feminine psyche. What do women like? Women like food. There you go. What kind of food do women like? Well, they like all kinds. Lots of women love salads. Smear your skin with a nice lettuce scent or rub grape tomatoes on the facial region before conversation and you’re probably on your way to a good evening. What else do women like? Well, women love driving their cars. You see it all the time. Women drive cars everywhere, even just for fun sometimes. So if you smell like the interior of a Toyota Prius or just pure gasoline, then confidence points for you, my friend.

Don’t try to wear odd musky colognes or so-called “deodorant”. If you’re lathering yourself in cliché, corporate mass-produced odors bought off a grimy store shelf, then it’s probably a simple projection of your own personality. They’ll immediately know you’re too insecure to unleash that days-old, lived-in, au naturale scent that permeates and crusts on the skin in small clumps. Just remember, dirt is only one syllable away from desire.


Check your posture. The way you carry yourself is subconscious and permeates from your comfortability and security in your own self. Make it conscious. When you approach that fated dream-angel they don’t want to see that same old boring “hey, my name’s Dinkledong, where’d you go to school? What’s your job?” You know, that terrible impending conversation they know is walking their way just by stilted awkwardness and forced half-grin.

Make it original.  Make it interesting. Do you like birds? Maybe she likes birds, too. So strut your legs and peck your head in her direction with a wing-flapping motion. If she likes birds, instant score. Maybe she loves cats. Girls LOVE cats. Girls love cats so much they wish they could be cats. So maybe as you’re walking her way, lick your hands and twitch your nose a lot, and if you happen to let loose a small meow or two, so be it.

Nobody wants to date a guy they can figure out right away. Mystery. More cowbell? No, more mystery. So if you decide to take the mystery posture route, make sure to gaze wistfully into the ceiling often, peering around the room dramatically like every inanimate object nearby has somehow hurt and scarred you deeply in the past. And every once in a while sigh and run a hand through your hair, so they know your life is full of serious mature-guy stuff.

Make Contact.

Yeap, you’re just about ready for that holy moment of initial contact. First, make sure her personal area is clear. There are likely to be lingering lesser stags attempting to conversate with your target. Gotta mark your territory. Sprint through the crowd urgently and aggressively until the pack scatters. Proceed to stomp your feet and snort loudly so they know you’re the real alpha man here.

Quick! Now’s your chance to invade her personal space. Let her know you’re not just one of those wishy-washy guys who’s afraid to commit. Get right in her face and yell a polite greeting. “Hellos” and “heys” are so traditionalist and boring. Hit her with a good “It’s my pleasure to storm thee gates of ye glorious emanating splendor, young gallant woman birthed from the brightest, golden star.” You know, like a good mixture of medieval fantasy adjectives and poem talk. Just be original.

When her and her nearby friends immediately contort in hilarious laughter and instantly began texting on their phones, know you have succeeded. You’re one level deep and gaining momentum. They are likely smitten by your intelligent wit and the casual ease in which you deliver it, and are so impressed they must immediately contact everyone they’ve ever met to alert them of their good fortunes at being near you.

Never Be Yourself.

Now you’re there, and it’s getting nervous, and maybe you don’t know what to say. The key to this phase is never be yourself. People connecting with other people based upon mutual likes and life desires is a myth. You’ll never impress anybody telling them you paid your own way through college, studied abroad in Rome, and built character and achieved a broad worldview in doing so. Nah, you gotta impress her, man! Feed her stories about your quiet, introspective daily morning runs through landmine-ridden jungles, just because it’s what you do and danger means nothing. Tell her about your refrigerator and how it’s full of exotic steaks and hand-harvested shrimps from the Costa Rican sandbars. Tell her you once cuddled with a Gorilla named Ki-ki-Poo and taught it to read shapes and play with colors.

It’s a series of constant reminders. You reminding her that you’re better than everyone else, and you only don’t have your driver’s license because driving is cliché, you only don’t have a job because you’re working on your memoirs, and you only live with your mom because you donated your house to charity.

The Screaming and The Fleeing and The Macing of the Face.

At this point she may gather her things, walk towards the door and calmly dial 911. Alternatively, she may mace you in the face. As your eyeballs well with the tears of a thousand Spring rains, recognize the final step. Realize your failure.

Pick yourself up, reassert posture, and be secure in knowing that you didn’t do anything wrong; she simply just wasn’t the right girl for you.

Go home, maybe tweak your bird-walk. Change your musk from Romaine lettuce to cucumber peels. Switch it up, then get back out there, champ. Follow the steps and you’ll soon have your beautiful heart companion. I promise.

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1 Response to How To Pick Up Absolutely Any Girl You Want.

  1. PopPop says:

    Great piece. Keep it fast and concise and it grabs your attention. Good mix of humor.

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