How To Properly Let Everyone Know You’re Better Than Them.

It's a heavy burden, constantly having to live with the fact that you're the coolest person in the room.

It’s a heavy burden, constantly having to live with the fact that you’re the coolest person in the room.

In a world filled with lesser important problems such as disease and genocide, it’s sometimes hard to get people to yank their heads away from the headlines and notice what’s really important in their life. You.

Here’s a few simple tools to help you fulfill your maximum potential for reminding others that you exist and they barely do.

Pick Your Targets.

Start with close friends and family and work your way out. These people are most likely to pay attention to you and care and will feel it the worst when you begin assaulting them with your natural social dominance. It’s best to start with the most fragile member of your inner core, perhaps an elderly member or a small child.

Engage Conversation.

The only way anyone is going to know you’re awesome is if you talk to them first. Start by making aggressive wolf-like eye contact. If not instantly mesmerized, begin barking in their direction. Kooky dance in circles until they realize that yes, fate has chosen them for this once-in-a-lifetime chance to hear the important things you have to say.

Ask them questions. Let them know they’re kind-of important in their own small way as well. How are you? How’s your day? Make them feel vulnerable, like they could really open up to you. As they’re about halfway through their exhausting diatribe of words, politely take out your phone and stare at it intensely until they realize you’re no longer listening. Play Candycrush or scroll through contacts until their sincere and heartfelt response has been properly received and stamped into the category of DON’T CARE: IGNORED. Then proceed to tell them about your problems, fears, emotional weaknesses, and scarred, tainted past.

Body Language.

Body language is key in every situation. People can’t know your true intentions of being better than them unless your completely condescending. As your human opponent begins to tell you about their sick mother or losing their job, softly sigh and pet their head. Carry a loud food item like a crunchy apple or bag of Sun Chips and chew loudly at every opportunity, so as they talk they are constantly interrupted and distracted by your actions. When they finish spilling their heartstrings, pinch their cheeks or flick them about the nose in a playful manner, like teasing a cute, bright-eyed puppy.

Watch your stance. If you want them to feel equal to you, you’ll likely be standing or sitting comfortably across from them in a relaxed conversational pose. Don’t do that. Hover over them incessantly, breath heavily, and pace the room, occasionally shouting “So many words and so little thoughts to back them up! Burdens, burdens, burdens!”

Be Sarcastic.

In conversation, they will likely be trying to establish a sincere connection through relatable everyday topics that lay a solid foundation for friendship and a deeper, more meaningful companionship. Make sure to shoot them down with your stock arsenal of conversation-enders. When they say, “I’m hungry, want to get something to eat?” You say, “Ha, hungry much? I’m human, so like, wouldn’t I want to eat?” They tell you they’re having trouble sleeping at night because of the night terrors, you respond accordingly. “What is that, like some kind of night terror sleep disorder? Maybe learn how to go to sleep. Forever.” And then pet them on the head as a condescending exclamation point for telling you how they feel.

Carry Treats.

At some point they will become disenchanted and frustrated with the sheer charisma exuding from your pores. Humans need to be rewarded to feel human. When they say something you marginally approve of, peel a Clementine in front of them and feed small slices into their mouth as they speak. Maybe carry small boxes of Sunkist raisins, which you teasingly dangle above their face until you feel like they’re worthy of this great gift.

When Conflicts Arise, Proof is What You Need.

For inexplicable cosmic reasons, not everyone is going to believe you’re better than them. Well, really no one is. So back it up with proof. Carry a dictionary around in public. Stop in the midst of crowds and gently browse its crisp pages. When someone asks you, “Are you reading a dictionary?” What do you do? Respond accordingly. “Oh, this scholarly old thing. I’m just catching up on my cucumber knowledge. You know, the warty, cylindrical shaped green edible. It’s in the gourd family. It’s a noun.”

Wear black-rimmed glasses everywhere. Instantly they know you exist in the literary community, or the political community. All they know is you exist in some kind of community, and it’s better than their non black-rimmed glasses-wearing community. When they speak, take off your glasses, nod your head, and clean the glasses with a tissue wad of hundred dollar bills.

Tell them about the celebrities you’ve met in your life. Tell them about the celebrities you haven’t met but will meet. Tell about the celebrities who envy you, and tell them about the celebrities that you once were in your past life.

Walk the streets with your college degree taped to your back like a marathon runner’s number. They’ll immediately know your super intelligent and worldly. High school diploma’s work, too. Heck, basically any certification. Took a CPR class? Tape it on your back. Member of the NRA? Tape it on your back. Made a finger painting in kindergarten? Tape it on your back.

When They Realize They Hate You.

At some point your awesomeness will become so overbearing that they have to either turn and walk away or they may fall to the ground in writhing seizures brought on by abhorrent disgust. Stick with them. Let me repeat. STICK WITH THEM.

Go back through the steps. Pet their head. Recite the dictionary. Throw candies and hand-fruits into their flustered face. If you’re lucky your ignorance will cause them to black out and you can reset and try again with a better, more concerted effort. Practice is key.

If they take the route of walking away, just give up. Realize that not everyone that wants to be you can be you, and not everyone has the intellectual capacity to realize that only you matter. But they can’t leave without you getting in the last word, so…

Throw a Tantrum.

Fall to the ground in an unprecedented fit of emotional angst, raise your hands to the heavens and cry out with unintelligible gasps and dribbling drool falling to the earth in puddles. It’s the only way to get attention at this point. Let all your insecurities and fears that caused you to think you’re better than anyone at all spill out and humble you back to a place of child-like wonderment.

Stand up, brush yourself off, and walk through the crowd like nothing happened. This is the life of an artist. This is the life of a savant. This is your life, and it’s better than anyone who ever lived.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to How To Properly Let Everyone Know You’re Better Than Them.

  1. PopPop says:

    OK, I caught that reference to the elderly, so let me fill you in. We can turn off our hearing aids, take off our glasses, and your toast. A non recognizable blip in society seeking a nod or curt remark. All you’ll get is a blank stare, so rethink your thinkin’ about the elderly. Bawahahahahaha.
    Good story by the way, punk. :o)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s