Ten Easy Ways To Get Broken Up With Immediately.

Looking terribly angry and frightened all the time: a key strategy in finally achieving that breakup you've been craving for far too long.

Looking terribly angry and frightened all the time: a key strategy in finally achieving that breakup you’ve been craving for far too long.

  1. Remind them that you are just settling and you could leave them at any time. Tell them about your independence and how good it feels to be a loner, bur you’re just currently carrying some extra “baggage”. Emphasize your statements with intermittent sips of coffee, followed by pretentious staring deeply into the coffee mug. Tell them about the times you used to be able to drink this same coffee alone, completely content and at peace with life.

2. Frequently compare them to ex relationships. Tell them why they’re not as good as your last. Tell them why they’re better than your last. Just make sure they know that you’re still thinking about somebody else. I still care about you and only you, you say, but as you ramble about your love for your current relationship, you pull out an old trinket from your ex and turn it over and over in your fingers, hypnotically staring at it in a deep,  hypnotic trance.

3. Tell them you want to take them out to eat, because they’re worth it and you want to do something nice. They deserve it. They’ve been working hard. You want to spend time with them. Take them to the fanciest restaurant or bar. Order whatever you want, you tell them. Then just as you’re about to pay the tab and leave, quickly spill out that you “accidentally” forgot to bring money and they need to pay for everything.

4. Badger them about how they need to change if they want to be with you in the long run. Because they’re alright now, but they really just haven’t quite reached that potential yet for what you envision as your dream partner. When they respond angrily, remind them they’re just lucky to be with you in the first place.

5. Consistently fart into your hand and throw it in their face. Practice in public places like a park, a tight crowd, or at church. Tell them you’re just trying to “strengthen your relationship”. Repeat this process four to six times per minute until desired effect is reached.

6. Call their hot younger sibling two to three times a week and ask them if they want to come over and “study”. Make sure you’re in plain view of your lover, with the speakerphone on. Occasionally make eye contact with your lover and speak slowly and deliberately into the phone. “Yeah, she’s not even home right now. I’ve got plenty of time to talk. Did you ever wonder what our kids would look like?”

7. When they make you a sandwich because they want to do one of those little nice things to make you feel good, tell them it’s not good enough. If they come to you excited, babbling enthusiastically about their promotion and a raise, tell them it’s not good enough. When they turn on the tv, use the microwave, change their socks in front of you, just… Just tell them it’s not good enough.

8. Wear their clothes. I’m not talking lay-around-the-house-looking-cute-in-his-sweatpants. I mean, when you go out, buy the exact outfit they’re wearing, and wear it better. If she’s got a tight little black dress on for your Friday night out, go out and buy a slinky little black dress and rock it right up until she gets back in her car and drives away forever. If he’s got jeans and a flannel and a new buzz cut, well, shave your head, don the jeans and flannel, and make yourself look like his casual lesbian friend from high school. You’re trying to make your lover angry here, not impress them.

9. Cry. Cry when they look at you. Cry when they walk away. Cry when you meet their parents. Cry when you hear it’s going to snow again. Spill things in front of them, then cry. Just cry a lot.

10. Spend a day scissor-cutting their credit cards in half, their bachelor’s degree, and their family pictures. Tell them you had an artistic blackout and needed to do a life-changing crafts project ASAP. Explain to them that when it’s finished, they’ll understand the true emotional depth of what you’re attempting, and as you’re speaking, dribble the ripped shards of their precious paper and plastic belongings into a trashcan.

If you complete the steps and fail, pack your belongings quickly, calmly walk out the door, and board an immediate flight to the farthest country where you can live anonymously. Don’t speak. Don’t look them in the eye. Just go. At this point, the tables have turned. They probably have a manikin with your face pasted on, posed nude in the basement, or a photo album filled with glued strands of your hair. Your life is in danger. Cut your losses and leave.

Besides, there’s always the next one.

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