Be prepared. Carry needles.
Standing on a crowded city street waiting for those walking balls of sickness to infect you with their disgusting people diseases? Look at them, just walking around like they don’t know what they’re doing. Be prepared. Control that crowd.
First step? Carry a vial of flu vaccine with a handful of open needles in your pocket. That way when you’re bumpin’ and grindin’ through a crowd, you can distribute and share your needles with the strangers around you, so you can all vaccinate at once. Feel that coursing through your veins? That’s instant safety right there. You’re one step closer to immunity.
Hydrogen Peroxide squirt bottles. Carry one in your purse, in your jacket, taped around your midsection. Wherever it will feet. Hydrogen-P (its common street name) disinfects anything. Spot a man coughing? Spray them in the face. Spot a woman sneezing? Spray them in the face. Keep your bottle locked and loaded at all times. Maintain focus. People tend to wear protective gear such as “clothing”, so always be sure to squirt them in the most vulnerable areas with your acidic stinging disinfectant solution.
Wear Scuba Gear.
Wear it everywhere. Get on your favorite online diving store right now and pick out a stylish yet practical outfit. Scuba gear is some of the most impenetrable material known to man. You think you’ll look dumb in a scuba gear outfit in public? Probably. You’ll probably look super stupid. But scuba gear is produced specifically to reflect water. Sneezes are made of water. Those big ungodly snot bubbles kids stare at cross-eyed and then pop with a pinky finger- yeah, they’re made of water. Think of your wet suit as a simple mosquito repellent, and you don’t want nothin’ to do with those bugs.
Dreamcatchers? More like sneezecatchers.
Here’s a good arts and crafts project. For yourself, for you and your prepubescent child, for you and that friend who you’ve liked for 7 years but will never be with because you’re too scared to ask them out and really just not worth their time romantically. Build a sneeze catcher.
1 fishing net with all the netting cut out of it.
1 roll of bubble wrap to glue to the interior of your fish net.
1 satchel of sterile petri dishes.
1 pair of capable, carpel tunnel-free hands.
Sneezecatchers are great, because it’s like a field trip every time you leave the house. Put on a good safari hat, some cargo shorts on the way to work and don’t forget your satchel of petri dishes. Every time you see those seizure-like, pre-sneeze contortions on a person’s face, run up and stand patiently in front of them with your sneezecatcher positioned politely in front of their open mouth.
When you catch a good sneeze, don’t touch it. The sneeze is more afraid of you than you are of it. Don’t be scared. Quickly remove a clean petri dish and dump the sneeze in one swift motion. Now it’s contained forever, where it can be safely and cleanly carried back home to rest in a separate back room with the rest of your sneeze collection.
Don’t Ever Exercise.
Don’t do it! Every time you jog or work out, you’re opening the door to a whole slew of air-ridden diseases. No, I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean, literally you have to open the door to go outside when you want to work out or run or whatever terrible thing it is you do. The more you stay inside, the better. No human contact is the best kind of contact. Let yourself lie in bed for days at a time and order delivery food to keep your stamina up. Call your friends and remind them that it’s not safe for them to socialize outside the confines of a window-less, underground room. You need to look out for them, too.
Watch Movie-films About Sicknesses.
To know the nature of your foe, you must research. Consume fact-based material, such as The Walking Dead (based on the Georgia zombie outbreak of 2009), World War Z (based on real life chronicles of WHO dr. Bradley Pitt), and Taylor Swift Dancing at Awards Ceremonies (this outbreak of white girl awkwardness has not yet been contained).
We’re all prone to sick-attack at any time. It’s just part of our struggle as humans. But follow the protocol and I promise you will never die. Ever.