How to Properly survive the raging gust of air fury known as Tornado.

 

 

Here we see a classic twister, scientific name: Tornadius Windoppulus. Or as the early Finnish Nigerian Thai British settlers of Kansas called it, "sky terror".

Here we see a classic twister, scientific name: Tornadius Windoppulus. Or as the early Finnish Nigerian Thai British settlers of Kansas called it, “sky terror”.

Obviously how to defend against a tornado depends on what breed of tornado it is. Tornadoes are basically the same as humans in that they come in a few different categories, like a race. The only small difference is tornadoes don’t kill, maim, judge, humiliate, or enslave other tornadoes. These basic principles of tornado survivaldom will protect you from any species of ‘nado, no matter how fierce.

Shelter yourself in the highest floor of the building with a boogie board or winter sled. When the building collapses you’ll be able to surf or sled down the rubble instead of getting buried underneath. Sit next to a large panel of windows and keep your face pressed against the glass. That way you can see the tornado coming from way far away.

Stay away from being underground. If you’re not sitting in an open corn field or underneath a swaying set of electrically charged power lines, how are you supposed to film the tornado with your phone? You’re not gonna get 17 likes and 4 comments being boring in a basement. You only live once, and if that living once is about to come to an end at the grimy paws of a raging funnel, what better legacy to leave behind than a 47 second viral video of you being swept away with dignity and grace, and well, there’d probably be a lot of screaming and broken bones but you’d be on the internet for a day. People probably won’t respect you as a person unless you’re internet famous at some point. Besides, having distant acquaintances briefly acknowledge that you exist by clicking a ‘like’ button on social media before they forget about you again is the only true way to maintain healthy self-esteem these days. If anything, do it for your mental health.

Pick up all the sharp objects around the house and hold them for the duration of the tornado. This includes kitchen knives, rusty scissors, and decorative revolutionary war bayonets. If you leave your sharp objects where they lie around the house, they could whip up and scratch the walls or put knicks in the furniture. You don’t want knicks in the furniture. Hold all your rusty scissors and decorative bayonets close to your chest and abdomen for the duration of the tornado until the gale force swirling winds of furious death have finished carving apart your home. When the storm has subsided you’ll see that by tucking sharp metal household utensils against your body parts, they had no chance to fly about the room causing unwanted dings. You know how hard it is to get a ding out. Dings are just the worst!

sharp, potentially tetanus wielding kitchen utensils should be held close to the chest so they don't fly around the room. Scientists have also proven spatulas as ding culprits in the aftermath of a tornado.

sharp, potentially tetanus wielding kitchen utensils should be held close to the chest so they don’t fly around the room. Scientists have also proven spatulas as ding culprits in the aftermath of a tornado.

The 1996 summer blockbuster orgy of nostalgia known as the film “Twister” is mandatory tornado viewing entertainment. It’s not a tornado party unless “Twister” is playing on every television and laptop in the house. If you only have it on VHS, that’s fine, too. “Twister” is just as powerfully moving and emotionally resonant on VHS as it is on anything else. If for some odd storm-related reason your power goes out, you’ll have to produce your own entertainment while you wait for the destruction to end. There’s a simple recipe.

Ingredients:

200 feet of hemp rope
1 well pad with protruding pipe
1 live disposable cow

Tie rope around disposable cow. Tie rope around ground-anchored pipe. Let simmer as tornado approaches. Retreat to confines of home. Watch from afar as cow is whipped up into tornado cone like a party balloon being batted around by a small child.


Always maintain eye contact with the tornado. The tornado is more scared of you than you are of it. Chances are a stern disposition and piercing gaze at the tornado will cause it to think twice about making your trailer park into a scrap pile. If the tornado continues to advance, beat a trashcan with a stick and yell angry things. Stand in a power stance and make yourself big. It’s key that the tornado understands you are the alpha in this situation. Tornadoes are historically insecure creatures. They’re pretty much empty inside, and probably real sexually frustrated. Call them out on these insecurities.

derogatory names tornadoes don’t like being called:

Deviant windsack
Dirtshitpoop vacuum
Wind virgin
emotionally destitute wind waffle cone with no ice cream
Tell them they have a tiny, limp funnel.

If the tornado continues its dominant aggression and the onward course of sexually assaulting your property with its giant wave of fury, you should concede that nature is more powerful than you and it’s probably time for you to die. You are simply a human piñata at a birthday party for natural disasters. Accept this. Pull up a chair, crack a beer, and simply wait your turn to be brutally caressed and violently massaged by a sociopathic wall of air. People always say you never know if you like something until you try it. Hey, maybe you’ll like it.

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