Author Archives: Lumberjack Twain
I’m gonna make this post real simple. What an active shooter bulletin should look like on informative news outlets: A suspect opened fire at (facility, event, etc.) in (town), (state) today at approximately (time). X human beings were struck. Their … Continue reading
Obviously how to defend against a tornado depends on what breed of tornado it is. Tornadoes are basically the same as humans in that they come in a few different categories, like a race. The only small difference … Continue reading
Twas a bitter wintry afternoon, bright and brilliant in its bleakness. Not a breeze stirred in the barren foliage. All the animals of the forest were cuddled deep in their winter hobbit-holes, making little snoring chitter chatters as they spooned … Continue reading
Blizzard outside? Time To Call Delivery, Offer Them A Bunch Of Money I don’t Have, And See Who Crashes on the Way Here.
Oh, there’s a Nor’easter outside? Guess I should probably call every food delivery service in the city, offer them a 300 dollar tip, and see who can get to my house first without crashing.
Be prepared. Carry needles. Standing on a crowded city street waiting for those walking balls of sickness to infect you with their disgusting people diseases? Look at them, just walking around like they don’t know what they’re doing. … Continue reading
Remind them that you are just settling and you could leave them at any time. Tell them about your independence and how good it feels to be a loner, bur you’re just currently carrying some extra “baggage”. Emphasize your statements … Continue reading
In a world filled with lesser important problems such as disease and genocide, it’s sometimes hard to get people to yank their heads away from the headlines and notice what’s really important in their life. You. Here’s a few simple … Continue reading
Looks. Confidence is key. Any real relationship connoisseur knows the longest lasting romances are based entirely on what you look like. Factors such as hair, length of hair, hair thickness, eye symmetry, calf roundness, belly button depth, shoulderblade pointedness, and … Continue reading
30 minutes ‘til it happens. 30 minutes before my whole world collapses and chaos begins. 30 minutes until work.