Category Archives: Uncategorized

It’s Hard To Shave While Driving…But That’s Why God Made It So Toes Curl Perfectly Around Steering Wheels.

Got my slurpee. Got my chili dog. Got my Sociology textbook to study on the way to class. Now just time to merge into traffic.

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The Tale Of The Mall Food Court Is The Best Place To Acquire a New Disease For My Collection.

Humans have one particular cultural tradition unlike any other species in the world. We gather in crowded places, mingle with complete strangers, and then we sneeze on each other.

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The Tale Of That Guy Who Thinks He Needs To Answer Every Question In Class.

The worst thing about a college social sciences class is not that tests aren’t multiple choice, or the materials are hard, or the fact that you’re teacher constantly confronts you with topics discussing your own mortality. It’s that one kid … Continue reading

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Whoa Death, Slow Down. Just Cause I Know Who You Are Doesn’t Mean I’m Looking For a Date.

This is not the tale of “Society sucks so I made a funny story”. This is the tale of the near-death experience. When you’re not in a relationship you get hit on by all kinds. I’m not talking a guy … Continue reading

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Let Me Just Over-Analyze Every Syllable Of Your Text. Then Maybe Someday We Can Date…In Person.

Everyone’s got crushes. Some of them secret, some of them publicly broadcast, some of them from three hundred yards away with a pair of binoculars. The problem with our socialization is communication is gone. We’ve regressed to a primal state … Continue reading

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Remember the Ice Cream Truck Man? Bet You Don’t Remember His Cigarette Ash-dangle and Grease ‘Stache.

One of the fondest childhood memories is the simple euphoric joy of hearing that chimy jingle rumble down your suburban block. The ice cream man. His glorious white truck of milky vanilla goodness glints in the early evening sunlight. His … Continue reading

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Remember That Time We Shamelessly Slaughtered an Entire Nation of People? Yeah, me either.

As a nation of rich history, enduring grit and humble perseverance, we’ve got a lot to be proud of. We came over here, fiercely battled for our independence, settled millions of acres of beautiful, uninhabited land. Because that’s how it … Continue reading

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The Tale Of The Oral Surgeon Is Taking Shots and Smoking Before He Plucks My Wisdom Teeth. Rut Roh.

You look back on your childhood and remember all those times you got cash for teeth. Nostalgically you reminisce about the gap toothed smile, putting your teeth in a jar, making little tribal aboriginal necklaces out of your kid molars. … Continue reading

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I Smell Leather, and Baskets, and That Guy’s Ketchup-stained Slipknot Shirt Almost Matches His Grease Ponytail. Yeah, I’m at a Flea Market.

I’m a really positive person. I only hate a couple things in this life. I hate crinkling potato chip bags. I hate Pea coats. I hate people who pop the collars on their pea coats. I hate the way people … Continue reading

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The Tale Of Let Me Just Stand In This Aisle For Seven Hours And Buy Absolutely Nothing.

There’s only one thing worse than having customers in your place of business. Lingerers. The lingerer. A soulless beast who picks things up and puts them on other shelves, a Golem long known to spend hours in front of a … Continue reading

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