How To Pick Up Absolutely Any Girl You Want.

Walk through the room with the sheer confidence of a Steven Quincy Urkel in his prime. Just follow the steps.

Walk through the room with the sheer confidence of a Steven Quincy Urkel in his prime. Just follow the steps.

Looks.

Confidence is key. Any real relationship connoisseur knows the longest lasting romances are based entirely on what you look like. Factors such as hair, length of hair, hair thickness, eye symmetry, calf roundness, belly button depth, shoulderblade pointedness, and body hair location. Luscious V of chest follicles, that’s okay. Brilliantly glistening mane of beard symbolizing masculine paternal dominance, better than okay. Odd and creepy patches of hair growing from unexpected regions of the body such as the nipples, forehead, and elbow points, not okay. Continue reading

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30 Minutes ‘Til The World Ends. 30 Minutes Until…It’s Time For Work.

30 minutes ‘til it happens. 30 minutes before my whole world collapses and chaos begins. 30 minutes until work. Continue reading

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Always Make Sure To Have Your Phone In Public Because How Else Will You Properly Avoid Eye Contact With Strangers?

Our culture's lack of willpower to socially interact with anyone we do not work, live, or get drunk around is almost as awkward as the secretly abusive relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit....And everybody knows Miss Piggy does the abusin'.

Our culture’s lack of willpower to socially interact with anyone we do not work, live, or get drunk around is almost as awkward as the secretly abusive relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit….And everybody knows Miss Piggy does the abusin’.

Just a nice, long ride up the elevator to the 110th floor. What a pleasant ride this is, right? Just me, myself and my thoughts. No other humans. This silky smooth jazz in my ears. Ahh, time to get my-OH SHIT, ANOTHER HUMAN. Quick, stare at my phone. Continue reading

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It’s Hard To Shave While Driving…But That’s Why God Made It So Toes Curl Perfectly Around Steering Wheels.

"Why you no learn how drive?" asks the sad Pugsy dog, as he watches with concern at the four-car wreck. I don't know why Sad Pugsy speaks in broken English, he just looks like a dog with an accent.

“Why you no learn how drive?” asks the sad Pugsy dog, as he watches with concern at the four-car wreck. I don’t know why Sad Pugsy speaks in broken English, he just looks like a dog with an accent.

Got my slurpee. Got my chili dog. Got my Sociology textbook to study on the way to class. Now just time to merge into traffic. Continue reading

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The Tale Of The Mall Food Court Is The Best Place To Acquire a New Disease For My Collection.

Only 14 percent of humans hold in sneezes, according to the true statistics I just randomly projected from my brain to the keyboard. That means 86 percent of sneezers are out there spraying nose pesticides like it's nobody's business.

Only 14 percent of humans hold in sneezes, according to the true statistics I just randomly projected from my brain to the keyboard. That means 86 percent of sneezers are out there spraying nose pesticides like it’s nobody’s business.

Humans have one particular cultural tradition unlike any other species in the world. We gather in crowded places, mingle with complete strangers, and then we sneeze on each other. Continue reading

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The Tale Of That Guy Who Thinks He Needs To Answer Every Question In Class.

This should be the scene every time the pretentious kid in class gets aroused at the sound of his own voice. Just a standard taser to the face.

This should be the scene every time the pretentious kid in class gets aroused at the sound of his own voice. Just a standard taser to the face.

The worst thing about a college social sciences class is not that tests aren’t multiple choice, or the materials are hard, or the fact that you’re teacher constantly confronts you with topics discussing your own mortality. It’s that one kid that sits in the front row and thinks he has a civic duty to answer every single question the professor asks. Continue reading

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Whoa Death, Slow Down. Just Cause I Know Who You Are Doesn’t Mean I’m Looking For a Date.

The calm before the stormy fit of river rage. Pretty, right?

The calm before the stormy fit of river rage. Pretty, right?

This is not the tale of “Society sucks so I made a funny story”. This is the tale of the near-death experience.

When you’re not in a relationship you get hit on by all kinds. I’m not talking a guy asks you for your number at the bar, you say no, then three weeks later you spot him across the street with a pair of binoculars. Or you take a girl out for lunch one time and the next day she sends you thirteen text message pics of wedding dresses she likes. Nah, all that’s just some normal healthy flirting. I’m talking about the erotically charged conflict of man vs. electricity. I’m talking about the sweet, sugary sensation a heavy summer rain brings and the simultaneous fear it invokes when rain’s attention-whore cousin begins flashing its streaks about the sky. I’m talking about lightning bolts. Continue reading

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