It’s Hard To Shave While Driving…But That’s Why God Made It So Toes Curl Perfectly Around Steering Wheels.

"Why you no learn how drive?" asks the sad Pugsy dog, as he watches with concern at the four-car wreck. I don't know why Sad Pugsy speaks in broken English, he just looks like a dog with an accent.

“Why you no learn how drive?” asks the sad Pugsy dog, as he watches with concern at the four-car wreck. I don’t know why Sad Pugsy speaks in broken English, he just looks like a dog with an accent.

Got my slurpee. Got my chili dog. Got my Sociology textbook to study on the way to class. Now just time to merge into traffic. Continue reading

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The Tale Of The Mall Food Court Is The Best Place To Acquire a New Disease For My Collection.

Only 14 percent of humans hold in sneezes, according to the true statistics I just randomly projected from my brain to the keyboard. That means 86 percent of sneezers are out there spraying nose pesticides like it's nobody's business.

Only 14 percent of humans hold in sneezes, according to the true statistics I just randomly projected from my brain to the keyboard. That means 86 percent of sneezers are out there spraying nose pesticides like it’s nobody’s business.

Humans have one particular cultural tradition unlike any other species in the world. We gather in crowded places, mingle with complete strangers, and then we sneeze on each other. Continue reading

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The Tale Of That Guy Who Thinks He Needs To Answer Every Question In Class.

This should be the scene every time the pretentious kid in class gets aroused at the sound of his own voice. Just a standard taser to the face.

This should be the scene every time the pretentious kid in class gets aroused at the sound of his own voice. Just a standard taser to the face.

The worst thing about a college social sciences class is not that tests aren’t multiple choice, or the materials are hard, or the fact that you’re teacher constantly confronts you with topics discussing your own mortality. It’s that one kid that sits in the front row and thinks he has a civic duty to answer every single question the professor asks. Continue reading

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Whoa Death, Slow Down. Just Cause I Know Who You Are Doesn’t Mean I’m Looking For a Date.

The calm before the stormy fit of river rage. Pretty, right?

The calm before the stormy fit of river rage. Pretty, right?

This is not the tale of “Society sucks so I made a funny story”. This is the tale of the near-death experience.

When you’re not in a relationship you get hit on by all kinds. I’m not talking a guy asks you for your number at the bar, you say no, then three weeks later you spot him across the street with a pair of binoculars. Or you take a girl out for lunch one time and the next day she sends you thirteen text message pics of wedding dresses she likes. Nah, all that’s just some normal healthy flirting. I’m talking about the erotically charged conflict of man vs. electricity. I’m talking about the sweet, sugary sensation a heavy summer rain brings and the simultaneous fear it invokes when rain’s attention-whore cousin begins flashing its streaks about the sky. I’m talking about lightning bolts. Continue reading

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Let Me Just Over-Analyze Every Syllable Of Your Text. Then Maybe Someday We Can Date…In Person.

This is what happens inside your chest every time someone you care about texts you. The life-altering aftermath is deciding what to say back.

This is what happens inside your chest every time someone you care about texts you. The life-altering aftermath is deciding what to say back.

Everyone’s got crushes. Some of them secret, some of them publicly broadcast, some of them from three hundred yards away with a pair of binoculars.

The problem with our socialization is communication is gone. We’ve regressed to a primal state of guttural grunts expressed through emoticons and “Lol’s” and a system of body language where eye contact is taboo up until somewhere between the first kiss and marriage. Continue reading

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Remember the Ice Cream Truck Man? Bet You Don’t Remember His Cigarette Ash-dangle and Grease ‘Stache.

Pretty standard ice cream truck right here. You wouldn't know it, but this mythical beast roams the streets at speeds upwards of 7 miles per hour, covering more suburban white neighborhoods in one day than a herd of roaming gazelle travels in a year.

Pretty standard ice cream truck right here. You wouldn’t know it, but this mythical beast roams the streets at speeds upwards of 7 miles per hour, covering more suburban white neighborhoods in one day than a herd of roaming gazelle travels in a year.

One of the fondest childhood memories is the simple euphoric joy of hearing that chimy jingle rumble down your suburban block. The ice cream man.

His glorious white truck of milky vanilla goodness glints in the early evening sunlight. His bell echoes across the land like the mystical cries of a thousand yawning church bells. Yes, in the land of barefoot nine year old peasants, the ice cream truck man reigns as king. But who is the ice cream man really? Continue reading

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Remember That Time We Shamelessly Slaughtered an Entire Nation of People? Yeah, me either.

These bad boys use to lumber around the plains by the millions like big hairy Sasquatch cattle. But here's one in a cage for you.

These bad boys use to lumber around the plains by the millions like big hairy Sasquatch cattle. But here’s one in a cage for you.

As a nation of rich history, enduring grit and humble perseverance, we’ve got a lot to be proud of. We came over here, fiercely battled for our independence, settled millions of acres of beautiful, uninhabited land. Because that’s how it happened, right? We were the first ones here?

Oh. Oh, we weren’t? I didn’t know. Jim Bamblowski doesn’t know either, but he wants to. That’s why he’s taking his family on the vacation of a lifetime, the Trail of Tears deluxe tour. Continue reading

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The Tale Of The Oral Surgeon Is Taking Shots and Smoking Before He Plucks My Wisdom Teeth. Rut Roh.

Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable in my torture chair?

Why don’t you come in and make yourself comfortable in my torture chair?

You look back on your childhood and remember all those times you got cash for teeth. Nostalgically you reminisce about the gap toothed smile, putting your teeth in a jar, making little tribal aboriginal necklaces out of your kid molars. Alright, maybe not everyone makes the necklaces. But you thought it was all over. You thought losing those beautiful bicuspid pieces of your mouth-soul was a thing of childhood. Then you grow up and it’s time to get the wisdom teeth out. Continue reading

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I Smell Leather, and Baskets, and That Guy’s Ketchup-stained Slipknot Shirt Almost Matches His Grease Ponytail. Yeah, I’m at a Flea Market.

I’m a really positive person. I only hate a couple things in this life. I hate crinkling potato chip bags. I hate Pea coats. I hate people who pop the collars on their pea coats. I hate the way people on reality shows always look sweaty even when they’re inside. I hate dogs that stare weird. I hate it when people stare like dogs. I hate it when people stare like dogs that stare weird. I hate…alright, I’m not that positive; I hate a few things. But there’s one thing I hate more than anything. Indoor flea markets. Continue reading

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The Tale Of Let Me Just Stand In This Aisle For Seven Hours And Buy Absolutely Nothing.

Look around next time you're shopping. Try and count how many customers are staring blankly at a shelf in their glazed, docile shopping trance. Basically livestock walking with a cart.

Look around next time you’re shopping. Try and count how many customers are staring blankly at a shelf in their glazed, docile shopping trance. Basically livestock walking with a cart.

There’s only one thing worse than having customers in your place of business. Lingerers.

The lingerer. A soulless beast who picks things up and puts them on other shelves, a Golem long known to spend hours in front of a single item and not buy a thing. The sorceress creature is even known to spend an entire afternoon pawing through fresh fruit, checking every single apple and peach to see which ones are ripe. Continue reading

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