Tag Archives: funny

Met The Girl of My Dreams Annddd Yup, She’s Gone.

Twas a bitter wintry afternoon, bright and brilliant in its bleakness. Not a breeze stirred in the barren foliage. All the animals of the forest were cuddled deep in their winter hobbit-holes, making little snoring chitter chatters as they spooned … Continue reading

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Blizzard outside? Time To Call Delivery, Offer Them A Bunch Of Money I don’t Have, And See Who Crashes on the Way Here.

Oh, there’s a Nor’easter outside? Guess I should probably call every food delivery service in the city, offer them a 300 dollar tip, and see who can get to my house first without crashing.

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Why You Should Share Needles In Public: Five Easy Ways To Never Get Sick. Ever.

Be prepared. Carry needles.     Standing on a crowded city street waiting for those walking balls of sickness to infect you with their disgusting people diseases? Look at them, just walking around like they don’t know what they’re doing. … Continue reading

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Ten Easy Ways To Get Broken Up With Immediately.

Remind them that you are just settling and you could leave them at any time. Tell them about your independence and how good it feels to be a loner, bur you’re just currently carrying some extra “baggage”. Emphasize your statements … Continue reading

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How To Properly Let Everyone Know You’re Better Than Them.

In a world filled with lesser important problems such as disease and genocide, it’s sometimes hard to get people to yank their heads away from the headlines and notice what’s really important in their life. You. Here’s a few simple … Continue reading

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How To Pick Up Absolutely Any Girl You Want.

Looks. Confidence is key. Any real relationship connoisseur knows the longest lasting romances are based entirely on what you look like. Factors such as hair, length of hair, hair thickness, eye symmetry, calf roundness, belly button depth, shoulderblade pointedness, and … Continue reading

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Always Make Sure To Have Your Phone In Public Because How Else Will You Properly Avoid Eye Contact With Strangers?

Just a nice, long ride up the elevator to the 110th floor. What a pleasant ride this is, right? Just me, myself and my thoughts. No other humans. This silky smooth jazz in my ears. Ahh, time to get my-OH … Continue reading

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It’s Hard To Shave While Driving…But That’s Why God Made It So Toes Curl Perfectly Around Steering Wheels.

Got my slurpee. Got my chili dog. Got my Sociology textbook to study on the way to class. Now just time to merge into traffic.

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The Tale Of The Mall Food Court Is The Best Place To Acquire a New Disease For My Collection.

Humans have one particular cultural tradition unlike any other species in the world. We gather in crowded places, mingle with complete strangers, and then we sneeze on each other.

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The Tale Of That Guy Who Thinks He Needs To Answer Every Question In Class.

The worst thing about a college social sciences class is not that tests aren’t multiple choice, or the materials are hard, or the fact that you’re teacher constantly confronts you with topics discussing your own mortality. It’s that one kid … Continue reading

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